I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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