I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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