I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
