if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
