Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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