Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
