I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
