I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
