she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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