Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
