If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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