I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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