Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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