Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
