What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
