Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she pinky promised me she was 18
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
