i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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