remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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