PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Redeem this text for a blowjob
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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