Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
