areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
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I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
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HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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