I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
