: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
