He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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