Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
