What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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