allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Congratulations! We have a period
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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