i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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