you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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