The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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