I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Two words: blizzard sex
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize