i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
