DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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