just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
