I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
