I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
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