Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
