I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
