omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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