1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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