dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
