a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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