I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize