Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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