Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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