Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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