you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Semen is not good for contacts.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?