he shaved USA in his pubs
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
