is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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