I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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