Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
