It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
