So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The police scanner is talking about you again....
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
