Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
